#DifficultRealities (Part I)

“If you can’t master your thoughts, you’re in trouble.” #Truth

At the end of “Eat Pray Love,” Julia Roberts’ character reflects on what she learned during her year abroad. I watch that movie every six months or so and always get something new out of it- this time around, I sat on my friend couch on January 2nd, sipping Persian tea when Gilbert explains her “Physics of the Quest:” If you are prepared- most of all- to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself, then truth will not be withheld from you. 

I’ve been reflecting my own difficult realities for a while now. I had some choice words thrown at me last year, words that won’t leave my brain, words that leave me awake at night, words that were harsh but are true. I have difficult realities that I can’t seem to let go…

  • My thoughts are more negative than positive. I ruminate on the negativity often.
  • I worry more about my future than anything else. However,  I rarely make proactive, positive steps towards securing a better and happier future for myself. I live by default instead by my own design.
  • I make excuses for everything.
  • I hold everyone in my life to a really high standard, including myself. I hold myself to the highest, most unachievable standard and when I can’t achieve that level of whatever, I will beat myself up (and everyone else) into a bloody pulp.
  • I let other people and their expectations define me.
  • I have a wicked jealous streak.
  • I hate being told “no.” That’s why I tell everyone “yes” and often stretch myself too thin doing so.
  • I tend not to finish things (lately, it’s been crafts).
  • I hate change more than anything else in the world. I HATE stepping out of my comfort zone.
  • The feeling I hate the most is loneliness. It makes me emotional and physically heavy; and I have said some mean things to myself and others when I feel lonely. I’m not good at being alone, especially with my thoughts.
  • I overreact often- a drama queen.
  • Paul Mitchell (my former professor) was right- I am lazy.
  • I am a co-dependent girlfriend.
  • I’m always searching for something. I don’t know what that something is, though.
  • More than anything else in the world, I want to be loved and admired. Desperately. I often chase fantasies as I look for love, hoping for a happy ending without putting in any of the work and ignoring red flags.
  • I look to others for my happiness rather than creating happiness for myself.

We will get there… With patience, self-love and lots of bicycle rides.

Life is difficult but it’s not bleak. It’s not hopeless. But I must face reality, know my starting place, count the cost of my goals and put in the work in order to change.

Accepting these difficult truths allows us to take the first steps toward dealing with and possibly changing our reality. So, my truths are out to the world. What now- stay low? Stay miserable, hating myself?

Let’s fix them. Let’s make life- my life- better.

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