Forever chasing the sun ☀️

Well, I got them. I got them rave blues.

It would be an understatement to say that I fell into a depression after leaving the cruise ship last week. I didn’t want to go home, back to my problems and cloudy Texas skies.  I had this overwhelming feeling of dread and my heart hurt as if I was going through a terrible breakup. The Tuesday morning I got back home, I laid in bed for a while, anxious and trying to figure out what I could do to keep those feelings of complete bliss going. How could I elongate this happiness?

I’ve been thinking a lot of about happiness this week, especially about what makes me happy. I have to admit that I’m not a happy person. I wouldn’t say that I’m a “Negative Nancy,” per se. But I’ve been around the block or two. I’ve seen a lot. I’ve experienced a lot. I know how the world works and the world isn’t kind. I’ve spent most of my life just trying to survive and now, I’m stuck in survivalist mode. I’m a realist. However, I’ve always been envious of those who know that the life can be hard and still wake up every morning with a smile on their face. How do they do that? How could I do that?

I started on the physical components of what would make me happiest. This past week, I begin to incorporate things that I did on the cruise to my daily routine: eating good food consistently, drinking lots of water, dancing and listening to certain music to pump myself up, getting in 10,000 steps every day, being social and remembering to be gracious with saying “thank you.” So far, so good- I even ran twice this week. My body feels great. It’s feels strong and flexible. Mentally, it’s been a tougher path. When I think back on moments of the cruise, my thoughts start turning sour and I want to cry. Instead, I’ve been throwing myself into projects that will only better me: updating my website, applying for jobs, researching flights and online Spanish classes, writing and reaching out to some friends. While I haven’t managed to emulate that exact Groove Cruise feeling, I’ve gotten pretty close. I’ve been noticing each thought, each pattern in my head. I focus on the positive ones and how they make me feel. Like when I received a funny WhatsApp message, I think about the friend who sent that message and our memories together. I then send them light and love across the universe and tell myself that they send it back to me- we all want each other to be happy and thrive. My heart then feels full and my body relaxes.

I know that I will not be able to replicate that exact feeling every minute of every day. Life will always get in the way. Happiness is a fleeting emotion just like sadness is. It comes and goes in waves. It’s a balancing act. But I am determine to stay this happy. Quite frankly, though, I don’t know what I’m doing. When you’re depressed for so long, you forget about the things that made you once happy. I’m still discovering the things that currently bring me joy but I feel like I’m on my way to becoming that radiant ball of glowing sunshine. It just take a little extra effort and hey, I’m trying.

How have you been feeling, dear reader? Are you happy?

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