I’m in a bit of pickle. I’m trying to determine if I’m settling (or not) with my boyfriend.

Quick back story: we met in the beginning of March on a dating app. The first couple of dates went great and we decided to quarantine together, jumping feet first into a relationship and holing up in his apartment. Flash forward to today: we celebrated our one month anniversary and now, I feel lost.

I like to preface what I’m about to write with that I always find something to sabotage my relationships with. I have to fight my desire for instability. I suffer from perfectionism– I need my relationships to be perfect and can’t accept them just being good. The relationship that I’m in right now is good– he is sweet, smart and unbelievably handsome. He thinks that I’m amazing. We get along well. I should be happy. But I’m not. We don’t have much in common. I’m learning that he doesn’t have much hobbies outside of dining out. We have opposing views on serious topics like immigration. I’m questioning if I’m settling because of the current state of the world. Would we be together, as a couple, if we weren’t stuck being inside and alone due to COVID-19?

But I should give him and myself some slack, right? We didn’t expect this (COVID-19) to happen and we are both trying to the best that we can. It’s difficult to jump into something brand new during this time. I keep seeing this Instagram post floating around that says, don’t feel bad about not being productive during the era of Coronavirus. Productivity aside, I shouldn’t feel bad if everything in this relationship isn’t perfect. The world is far from perfect. I don’t want to put that much pressure on our new relationships during this strange time nevertheless. We are not our best selves at this time, right?

I think about this scene from “The Five Year Engagement,” where two of the main characters talk about choosing the right life partner. Emily Blunt’s character is unsure about her partner while her sister (played by Alison Brie) argues that you just chose someone and see what happens. I used to think that there was that one special someone that you were destined to be with for the rest of your life- I don’t think that anymore. I think people come in and out of your live for certain reasons and that most people have a lifetime of soulmates. But I do think that if you want to make a relationship work, you have to choose that person every day and let your actions reflect that choice. We choose to love and be in love. We choose to settle.

The older I get, the more I feel like I’m okay not being in a relationship. What is the benefit of being in a relationship these days, anyway? I can get companionship from my friends and something physical with a friend-with-benefits (which I have done in the past). I think about the elderly version of myself without a spouse or children to take care of me- if I got my finances in complete order, I wouldn’t need to think about a husband or a family as I could afford a nursing home and hospice care. I could make it through life alone and maybe without any disappointment caused by interpersonal relationships.

I think I’m just bitter. Or depressed. I should just ask my boyfriend for a snuggle. Or maybe I just need some alone time with my cat.

How is your relationship surviving in the time of COVID-19, dear reader?

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