How was your New Year’s Eve, dear reader? I spent mine having a panic attack.
After a series of unfortunate events this past week (well, in all actuality, after a sub-par year), I decided to ring in the New Year’s downing shots of tequila and chugging a bottle of champagne on an empty stomach. I have to admit that I become an asshole when I drink. I allow myself to get wrapped up in unspoken thoughts and focus on all the wrong things in my life. My inner green monster comes out, spitting hate, anger and jealously. That monster quickly morphs into one of self-pity.
That’s where I found myself Friday night, sobbing about uncertainties and how my life doesn’t look “perfect.” They’re topics I cry about often. I don’t sit well with feelings of fear but it rules my life. Despite being consistently told that I’m brave, I feel constantly broken.
A couple of months ago, I was out with friends, talking about these same fears and insecurities. We sat on my favorite bridge, smoking cigarettes and looking at the Austin skyline. The topic of choices made it into our conversation as we talked about mental health. While I agree that part of my negative sense of self is partly biological, there are choices that I make throughout my day that fuel my anxiety and depression. I still play safe in my (teeny) comfort zone, refusing to be vulnerable out of fear. I keep a lot of things to myself. I like to hide. I mask that by trying to take care of everyone else in my life while refusing to take care of myself in the ways that I need to the most.
I am the queen of self-sabotage.
But I also know that I’m a good person who is capable of positive change. I am smart and determined enough to make some constructive adjustments in my life. That means noticing my behavioral patterns and doing something about them before I spiral out of control. That means I need to stop drinking. That means being more trusting of others and stop pushing people who love me away. That means building healthier attachments. That means being completely honest and clear about what I need, especially when I need help. That means actually learning from my mistakes and holding myself truly accountable- self-care includes self-discipline.
I’m not the one who sets new year’s resolutions- frankly, I never keep them. Who does? But I’m trying to be more intentional this year. I spent most of my 35 years on the planet getting in my own way. I know that I can experience an infinite amount of love/success/happiness- I deserve it all but I need to put in the work. I can choose an upward spiral.
Have a safe, sexy, successful and satisfying 2022. May this be a year of positive growth for you.